a few big steps, one small fall
and damn it, we are gonna figure something out
if it takes me all night to make it hurt less
just a small one for today, but holy shit have i had a week (captain, it's wednesday). let's run down the list shall we.
i finally got around to booking an appointment at a passport office to acquire a new one that doesn't deadname me, doesn't display the deceased visage of a teenage boy and actually works as right to work identification. what a fucking concept. i wish i didn't have to catch a train in the incredibly early hours to liverpool just for a ten minute appointment, nor spend £200 for the privilege, but hey. it's ID. it's the very last thing to get. i have to do it.
so, that's friday. i'm terrified.
i also, after a roughly equal amount of time putting it off as the passport appointment, reached out to a therapist. the observant amongst you may have noticed i have been doing Really Badly recently, and certain experiences led me to a breaking point of sorts, in which the only paths forward were suicide or actively choosing to get better. you can tell which i went with, i'm sure. she seems wonderful from the small amount of contact we've had so far, and i am truly hoping this will make a change. my first appointment is saturday. i want to get better. i want to live.
so, that's saturday. i'm terrified.
yesterday saw the arrival of my first dose of progesterone - 100 pills for 100 days. this followed a comedy of errors with payment systems, debit cards and bitcoin transfers that ended up with these precious white pills getting here about a week later than they should have. alas alack. i'm glad to have them, and i can only hope they will have their advertised effects on the stability of both my mood and breast growth.
so, that's maybe the rest of my life. i'm excited.
while not nearly as life-altering as the other three, i have also spent much of the last week figuring out travel and accommodation for the many concerts i've planned to stick around for. an expensive endeavour, especially in the case of one in london later this month, but. what else is money for than giving yourself reasons to stay.
what led me to actually write this blog today was being struck by the thought of its title. the big steps have been covered, so what of the small fall?
i had a very difficult day yesterday. that's nothing of note in itself, but my routine failure to eat, drink and sleep properly finally caught up to me. a storm of crushing stress and anxiety around a thousand things i can and can't change, a serious lack of calories consumed, an inability to sleep and a fear that my first time taking prog went wrong presumably all contributed to the climax of it all: fainting by my bedside and hitting my head pretty hard on the floor at 5am.
i'm not concussed or anything, but it was certainly a wake up call to the consequences of my general dislike of eating, which i hadn't put a huge amount of serious thought into before. i'm pretty sure i don't have an eating disorder, i just don't eat much, right?
another thing to bring up at therapy, maybe - but it's pretty far down the list compared to the rest of the horrendous shit going on in my brain. i can't keep on subsisting in this state, so i must believe that all of these swirling elements of my Rough Week will lead to something brighter.
on the bright side, being awake far too late meant i could see mamdani win in real time and message my best friend in the city about it. thank god for the eastern - england timezone difference. her being the only person around i could talk to about fainting was something i felt a little guilt for, but. highs and lows. i'm grateful she was there, ultimately. i'm glad i wasn't alone.