panic on the streets of birmingham
i guess i'm still writing one-off personal blogs! i had some vague hope that i might slow down or stop with these as i was getting better but theres, uh, a lot of blocks to that nebulous goal, so i'm being melodramatic through a keyboard again.
things are really fuckin bad huh. having a real time of it over on the island. i don't know what i can say about the ehrc guidance that hasn't already been said by many much smarter and more eloquent. i'm just so incredibly tired. i didn't ask to be trans. i didn't ask to be the target of a culture war. i didn't ask to be eligible to have a stranger ask me with labour's beloved dignity and respect whether i have the right to walk into a bathroom. or change at a gym. or be placed in a female ward. these fucking ghouls want me and the kindest, most beautiful people in the world dead and buried for no reason at all. i'm fucking tired. who would ever choose to be trans. there's no joy. no pride. there's only a life torn apart because god decided to fuck me over.
sorry. i really wish i didn't have this view. i'm trying not to. it just keeps getting validated.
there are other things i could talk about. the impossible task of getting a job despite not lacking in experience. the humiliation of attending interviews and performing trial shifts and never hearing back again. the nagging presence in the back of my mind that, despite what employment law would like me to think, i can absolutely be denied jobs on the basis of being trans. even moreso now.
games journalism's in the shit. day ending in y. i really wish i was good at anything else. anything at all.
i'm visiting new york again in july. for love. to visit my girlfriend, not just the girl i'm in love with. i'm indescribably excited for that. trying desperately to hold on to something warm and bright to look forward to. i adore her and i can't wait to be in her arms again. maybe it'll all feel worth it then. and if not, i can at least spend a little time protected from it all in her embrace.
anyway. things are pretty dire. this is probably the most vulnerable/venting blog i'll write. sorry and thank you. i can only hope things get better.
P.S. thankfully, the next thing to show up here will be another letter series between me and micaela. here's hoping neither of us have lost our (critical) judgment.