something's gotta give
there's only love
there's only moving through and trying your best
sometimes it's not enough
who gives a fuck, all of this will end.
you know, i really thought that my next blog after those first three reflective and sad posts would be about videogames. what a fool i was.
when you live a life always expecting for it to end at some point within the next six months to a year, it ends up pretty hard to plan a meaningful future for yourself. why would i worry about what i'll be doing next year if i won't be around?
regrettably, life continues to create dates and reasons to be around for, by my own hand or not. my book releases sometime next summer. i should probably be there to see, read and hold that in my hands. in the nearer future, i have a couple concerts to attend before the end of the year.
in the even nearer future, my brother's wedding is in thirteen days. gotta be there for that one, even if it is going to be a day or so of my extended family seeing the estrogen-poisoned black sheep of the guests and making various comments either quietly amongst themselves or, in rare cases, to my face. i've always been the fuckup of my parents' two kids, so i don't mind being that if it means being there for him and my sister-in-law. i'm just glad he's doing as well as he is, truly.
in the new year and beyond is where things get a bit murky. i truly have no idea what i'm going to do. i just know that i can't stay in the same cycle i've been in for as long as i can remember. something's gotta give.
the most appealing option, currently, is to move as soon as possible in the new year. to a place i haven't spent five years getting worse within, to a city that doesn't actively make me feel empty walking around, to a living space i don't despise. i'll move and burn through savings for a while while i look for a job. i'll struggle, it'll be terrifyingly expensive, but i should be happier. theoretically. if that doesn't help, then i'm well and truly out of options.
so, i've gotta stick it out for a few more months. they're gonna suck. the months following that will likely also suck, but at least they'll be different. that has to count for something.
hey, i just realised i'll have to change my shipping address to receive my own book in the post. that'll be a fun moment.